Thursday, September 20, 2012

Cry Me a River

I am starting to have a new and very distressing reaction to environmental chemical/corn exposure these days. I cry uncontrollably in public and feel horribly depressed and overwhelmed for hours after. My last trip to Sam's Club (and I do mean my last trip because I'll never go back), I had a hard time even making it to the parking lot before I burst into tears. I know you're thinking I should wear a mask, huh? Well, I had my mask on the entire time.

I am not only distressed that my reactions are increasing in intensity and frequency, but that they result in such emotional distress. This is the new pattern: I gradually get more and more exhausted as I walk around in the store, then I start feeling very sad and overwhelmed. Then I start struggling to keep it together, but the horrible feelings of depression and crushing anxiety don't stop. Before I know what's  happening, I'm crying in public and feeling so overwhelmed that I can hardly pick up my arms to drive home. The last two times this happened, I was unable to drive until I sat in the car for a while with the air conditioner on high (recycled air only so outside fumes don't get in the car). With experimentation, I've found that compounded diphenhydramine doesn't help at all to mitigate these reactions. Generally, after I somehow get home, I crash hard and sleep for a few hours. After I wake up, I'm still groggy and feel drugged for the rest of the day. Oh yeah, my feet are too sore to walk on by late that night and on into the next day, too.

I just can't describe how horrible I feel when this reaction is underway. I just feel so hopeless and overwhelmed. I start feeling as if I will never be able to cope with the huge list of things I struggle to do every day and that it will never get better. I am normally a very optimistic and upbeat person so these feelings are too much for me. Now that I can't shop at Sam's, I'll have to buy those few safe items I was able to get at a bulk discount from Kroger at a higher price. I guess I just need to be thankful that I can still tolerate Kroger with my mask.